some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
