haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
