Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
