Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
