I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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