can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
