You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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