Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
