I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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