so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
