The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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