Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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