What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
