How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
