Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
