Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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