Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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