worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
