I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
