i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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