matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
