I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
