So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
