he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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