On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
