pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
