Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
