Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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