They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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