Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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