Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
