i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
