I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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