Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
