Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
