So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
