I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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