I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize