somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
