Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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