I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.