What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
