Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Randomize
