what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
