You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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