the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
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Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
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That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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