Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
