I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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