friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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