I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
