Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
