She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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