Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
