your parents love me but you hate me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
