You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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