apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
