A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
