Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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