sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i out mim tonsoeep
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
