I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
