You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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